bluecityveins

a free ride inside my diseased mind.

Archive for the tag “satire”

Aculade (part 1)

Somewhere, Sometime, Out there…….

Deep down in a pepper mine…

In the not so distant future one of the more coveted spices is pepper. The pepper industry has become one of the fastest growing markets on the entire planet. A large percentage of uneducated men are employed by the various mining companies. Despite the huge profits the companies make, they still treat their workers like slaves and pay them unfair wages. Most of the men working in this trade have had past records with the law. Mostly drug addictions, violence, and theft. For the most part, the men that work here do so becuase no one else will employ them. The mines would hire almost any degenerate that could pick up a shovel…

11:45

2000 feet below earth.

The Pepper mine workers are divided into teams, each team works on a certain level of the earths core. Since pepper is such a minute material the workers are required to wear special goggles with magnifying capabilities. Face masks are also worn. The masks are used to prevent any worker to get a free sniff of pepper. A free lunch as it were.

Each team of pepper miners has a leader. Earl happens to be the leader of this such crew.

Klink, krank, klunk, the pepper tools sang. Songs of pain, sorrow, and anger rang from the clangs.The tools songs reflected the tortured souls of the workers wielding them. Slowly grinding down particle at a time after each swing of the axe. Each fragment of rock separated from its core, wore a salt sized hole in their tired souls…..

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paper cuts

paper cuts

cum shots and circus freaks.

who the hell was zorba the greek?

drunk in daytime

mid week

i have dropped off the face of worth

fell 200 hundred stories

without a single paper cut.

set up a tent in my living room

getting prepared for the  collapse

life would be better if we all lived in huts.

trying to sell art is like

giving a rock a blood transfusion

messy business

a thousand words all competing for real estate in my head

a thousand sounds from ideas dying

and left for dead

rotting and farting

their last gasps

of fruition

in my overripe

head.

jizz shots hang like icicle cave stalactites

glowing phosphorescent

in the mildew nights.

The Heavy Metal Janitor Journals (part 3)

illustration by Daniel Lombardi (click image to see Dans art on FaceBook.)

“The Heavy Metal Janitor Journals.”

10:31 am  (in the work van) winter 1998

(cell phone ringing  bzzzzzt, bzzzzzzt, bzzzzzzzzt….)

After minutes of mumbling, swearing, and scheming, Bad Cat hesitantly answered the cell phone with a mouth full of half chewed do-nut. Bad Cat perpetually and  purposely spoke very quietly on the phone just to piss of *Penis Fart.  He and Bad Cat had the weirdest work  relationship I have ever encountered. They were prone to fighting like cats and dogs (pardon the pun) during their phone calls, and personal interactions.  Penis Fart would either call back after calming down, attempting to some extent to be civil, or he would just not call for a couple days as some kind of sick pre-pubescent silent treatment. This action was borderline homo-erotic for lack of better words, I really dont know what you would call it. Perhaps it fulfilled him with some kind of weird Masochistic fetish.

Penis fart would never lower himself to saying “Hello, Hi, or How are you doing?” when he called. Instead it was  “Where are you!” in his nasally,whiny, and condescendingly suspicious voice. One of Bad Cats little tricks would be to hold the phone a couple feet away from  his mouth and say, ” Sorry, I cant hear you, can you speak up?

After a few minute of this game,  Penis Fart would grow tiresome and very annoyed of Bad Cats trickery. Penis Fart had already purchased two new phones in the last 8 months for Bad Cat, rightfully thinking something was wrong with the old ones. He couldn’t prove that Bad Cat was playing this trick, but I am pretty sure he had a good Idea of what was going on. Bad Cat forbade me to ever answer that phone. If I absolutely had to answer it, like say in an emergency,  I had to make sure I spoke very softly to keep up Bad Cats tormentitive little game. Bad Cat had kept this folly up for over a year now, and having it discovered by Penis would be akin to loosing ground in a trench war. Well at least in his feline mind it would.

*that was Bad Cats nickname for our boss, remind me to explain why later….

the malfunctioning time machine notes (2)


Found this weird story in one of my many notebooks while time traveling today. Like most of my stories it was written in a child like manic scribble as though I was being forced to write it while being chased by some axe wielding pervert. Perhaps I was , who knows.

July 2003

Draino

Gordo owned  the “Raino” happy drink company. His brother Dildo owned the “Draino” sewage unclogger company. The designer that worked for both Raino and Draino screwed up the letters on the Raino bottle one day. “Draino” was selling  much better than “Raino” . One night when Mr.Raino felt defeated by the Draino empire, he said “What use is it to live in a world where people would rather buy toxic toilet unclogger than a drink that makes you happy!” He then decided to end it all, drinking what he thought was his opponents toxic toilet product to off  himself. Turned out Gordo just drank his own product because of the spelling mistake. He felt great, he accepted defeat, figuring this was a sign and mistakenly began promoting Draino to the world to drink. However it was just the one batch of Drainos that where spelled wrong and he was responsible for killing half the planet. He is still locked up to this day, very confused and thirsty.

Figured you could just waltz in and read my weird little story scott free hey, well perhaps this little guilt button will change that! ha.

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