bluecityveins

a free ride inside my diseased mind.

The Heavy Metal Janitor Journals (part 3)

illustration by Daniel Lombardi (click image to see Dans art on FaceBook.)

“The Heavy Metal Janitor Journals.”

10:31 am  (in the work van) winter 1998

(cell phone ringing  bzzzzzt, bzzzzzzt, bzzzzzzzzt….)

After minutes of mumbling, swearing, and scheming, Bad Cat hesitantly answered the cell phone with a mouth full of half chewed do-nut. Bad Cat perpetually and  purposely spoke very quietly on the phone just to piss of *Penis Fart.  He and Bad Cat had the weirdest work  relationship I have ever encountered. They were prone to fighting like cats and dogs (pardon the pun) during their phone calls, and personal interactions.  Penis Fart would either call back after calming down, attempting to some extent to be civil, or he would just not call for a couple days as some kind of sick pre-pubescent silent treatment. This action was borderline homo-erotic for lack of better words, I really dont know what you would call it. Perhaps it fulfilled him with some kind of weird Masochistic fetish.

Penis fart would never lower himself to saying “Hello, Hi, or How are you doing?” when he called. Instead it was  “Where are you!” in his nasally,whiny, and condescendingly suspicious voice. One of Bad Cats little tricks would be to hold the phone a couple feet away from  his mouth and say, ” Sorry, I cant hear you, can you speak up?

After a few minute of this game,  Penis Fart would grow tiresome and very annoyed of Bad Cats trickery. Penis Fart had already purchased two new phones in the last 8 months for Bad Cat, rightfully thinking something was wrong with the old ones. He couldn’t prove that Bad Cat was playing this trick, but I am pretty sure he had a good Idea of what was going on. Bad Cat forbade me to ever answer that phone. If I absolutely had to answer it, like say in an emergency,  I had to make sure I spoke very softly to keep up Bad Cats tormentitive little game. Bad Cat had kept this folly up for over a year now, and having it discovered by Penis would be akin to loosing ground in a trench war. Well at least in his feline mind it would.

*that was Bad Cats nickname for our boss, remind me to explain why later….

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